Don't Marry Her
by derivereine
Summary: Brittany finds out about her best friend and lover's upcoming nuptials via email. She has some choice words for him. JohnxOC


**This is the email that Brit sends to John in _There's More To Me Than Her_, with some added parts. It looked good as a one shot, so here it is! It's obviously dedicated to Brit, as she's kept me sane for an infinite number of days. I love you!**

**Review!  
xoxo Charlie**

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* * *

**

Brit sighed and tapped her fingers on the keyboard, thinking what to say. John had hit her last nerve with not inviting her to his wedding. She was going to make him pay, make him change his mind about this thing he was marrying.

First, she had to calm down. All she wanted to type was how much of a bastard he was.

She smiled as she saw she had a new email from Charlie. It simply read;

**He's on our shit list.**

_**I'll never grow so old and flabby  
That could never be**_  
**Don't Marry Her, Fuck Me-The Beautiful South.**

**Charlie&Becky xoxox.**

Brit clicked on the file that was attached to the email and waited for it to download. In the mean time, she was going to make this the best email she'd ever sent.

_John. How mature of you to invite me to your wedding. I simply cannot thank you enough. I know that your darling wife'll look so beautiful-I just hope the bridesmaid dresses aren't the same colour as the invitations._

As the download completed, the song began to play and Brittany grinned. She had no clue where Chaz had pulled this one from, but it was great. She googled the lyrics and began to include them into the email.

**Think of you with pipe and slippers  
Think of her in Bed  
Laying there just watching telly  
Then think of me instead**

_You think we'd just be watching tv in bed? I don't know where you were last time John, but by my recollection we were not doing that_.

**I'll never grow so old and flabby  
That could never be  
Don't marry her, fuck me**

_Umm, yeah. For somebody that's soon going to have a fitness crazed husband, she's in __great__ shape. I'm a doctor, John! Doctor's know how to combat signs of aging without surgery. She looks more mature than you already...like matured cheese, but nowhere near as tasty._**  
**  
**And your love light shines like cardboard  
But your work shoes are glistening  
She's a Ph.D in 'I told you so'  
You've a knighthood in 'I'm not listening'**

_I've heard you arguing before. You tell me everything, anyway. Think I'll just let you use me as a best friend when you want to. Sorry, darling, but we both know I'm better that. Honestly, what are you guys doing tonight? Yeah, I'm __so__ surprised that you don't know. You'll probably end up sat in my hotel room eating all of my cookies again. Does she do that with you, John? Does she sit around with you and watch lame movies that you love? No. She just likes to spend your money and tell you what to do. How paranoid is she already? Becky told me that the first time you guys split up, it was because of a disagreement about me. Yet you never told me this, just let me sit there and watch as you showered her with expensive shit to keep her happy. To keep her quiet. _

**She'll grab your sweaty bollocks  
Then slowly raise her knee  
Don't marry her, fuck me**

_Oh...wait. You already have. I guess I forgot already._

**And the Sunday sun shines down on San Francisco bay  
And you realise you can't make it anyway  
You have to wash the car  
Take the kiddies to the park  
Don't marry her, fuck me**

_You hate not being able to do what you want, especially on a sunny morning. Remember when we ran in that park near to where I live and the sun was beating down on us? Yeah, we didn't run for long. You were supposed to be with her then, weren't you?_

**Those lovely Sunday mornings  
With breakfast brought in bed  
Those blackbirds look like knitting needles  
Trying to peck your head**

_I'm pretty sure you always get breakfast when you stay with me. You get a cereal box left on the counter by her. Actually, Dom saw you guys walking around one day and a bird swooped down onto your lovely lady and attacked her._

_I wish I'd seen that._

**Those birds will peck your soul out  
And throw away the key  
Don't marry her, fuck me**

_I'm guessing the birds referenced here are actually your wonderful fiancee and her friends. They'll peck your soul out, throw away the key and leave you bankrupt._

_Maybe I won't be there to pick up the pieces anymore._

And the kitchen's always tidy  
And the bathroom's always clean  
She's a diploma in 'just hiding things'  
You've a first in 'low esteem' 

_Oh, those things she's hiding?  
They have a name._

When your socks smell of angels  
But your life smells of brie  
Don't marry her, fuck me 

_You're not happy, I can tell. You're not happy at all anymore. I'll admit, at first you were. But now? Now she knows she's in control._

_Perhaps the next time she leaves you, maxes out your credit card or crashes your car, I won't be there for the sympathy fuck._

And the Sunday sun shines down on San Francisco bay  
And you realise you can't make it anyway  
You have to wash the car  
Take the kiddies to the park  
Don't marry her, fuck me 

_After all, you'll be married by then.  
So you can take your 2.4 kids and your white picket fence and shove them up your ass._

And the Sunday sun shines down on San Francisco bay  
And you realise you can't make it anyway  
You have to wash the car  
Take the kiddies to the park  
Don't marry her, fuck me 

_Or maybe, you can redeem yourself, John._

_Don't marry her.  
Have me._

_Brittany xxxxx_


End file.
